Thursday, August 11, 2011

To Peter King: For your obituary.


Dear Peter King,
   I'd like to start this, you blubbery bag of protoplasm, by ackowledging two things you did that no one else had the insight or foresight to do: you rightfully put DE Aaron Smith, whom we call "the unsung hero", on your All-Decade Team, and you predicted before the season that the Steelers would go to the Super Bowl. Thank you....
    Now that that's out of the way, let me address, you disgusting gelatinous mass, your recent 'Top 100 NFL Players' list in which you ranked 2-time SuperBowl winner and reigning Defensive Player of the Year Troy Polamalu at number 50. 50? 50! 50?!? We're talking the NFLs best players here,  not your pants size. Or your I.Q. Or your SAT scores. We're talking the best players in the game and you rank Troy Polamalu at #50? If you truly believe that Troy is only the 50th best player in the league, then you probably are also gullable enough to have had your bags packed this past May 21st. I can't reconcile how you could even form the thought process needed to suggest such a ranking. Then you go and put Ed Reed at #54? Look, I'd retract that one if I were you because the Ravens' team is full of criminals. Don't wind up a statistic. I'm just sayin. Anyway, you're full of hot air if you truly believe these rankings. The reigning DPOY at #50? Releasing all that hot air when you opened your mouth to say something as asinine and egregious as that is probably why there have been so many tornados across the midwest! So please don't say anything else because the Gulf Coast is entering Hurricane season and we neither need further disasters nor Kanye West to say anything again. Ever.
    I'll do this for you, we all know the pros associated with Troy, so I'll present the cons: Troy has missed 21 games in his career due to injury. That's it! That's the list! Now let me tell you why even that  is a reason to rank him higher and is a measure of his worth. Since Troy became a starter in 2004 he's missed 21 games as was stated. In those games the Steelers were 12-9, a .571 percentage. In the other 104 reg season games he's started since then, the Steelers are 75-29, a .721 percentage. Following me? I don't wanna interrupt any afternoon snack which was probably dessert to a mid-morning snack, you oleaginous sack of lard. As I was saying, though, since he became a starter and including playoffs, the Steelers defense averages 0.57 INTs a game without him. With him the defense averages 1.02 INTs-almost twice as much. To give that stat more of a face, let's look at it this way: in the same timeframe, (125 total games incl. playoffs) the Steelers defense has recorded 118 INTs. A quarter of those...damn, I just made your super-size-me butt think of Quarter Pounders. Let me rephrase: 25% of those 118 INTs were by Mr. Polamalu himself. Let that sink in for a minute...and wipe your chin. Again, 30 of the 118 total interceptions since 2004 were by Troy himself.
    Another quantifier of Troy's greatness is his splash plays. Not the kind of splash plays made by Mr. James Harrison where, when he hits you, your blood splashes and splatters on the ground, (by the way, another piece of advice, for your sake and safety, please do NOT disrespect Mr. Silverback - trust me, call him "Mr." - by ranking him too low also. Mr. King, don't make him angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry.) but the plays he makes just at the right time, just when we need them. Plays where all of a sudden you look around and all you see is his hair flying in the wind like a cape as he runs the other way with the ball. Wait a minute...is that it, Peter? Are you jealous because Troy's hair is far more luxurient than yours? Oh...Peter. That's so sad. I'm so disappointed. *wipes tear away* Allowing personal bias to taint your rankings? You're better than that. *sigh* I need a minute to compose myself. Nonetheless, those types of plays just may define and quantify Troy best. I'll be back, I just need a moment...
    Peter, I truly hope you've seen how badly you erred. While I agree that Troy's ranking should have a "5" in it, I don't agree that there should be a 0 or any other number behind it or in front of it. By the way, just in case you were wondering why I entitled this the way I did, it wasn't a reference to the Raven's putting one of their infamous bounties out on you, nor was it a warning regarding Mr. James Harrison, but a description of your career from this point on. Because such a bombastically absurd ranking is sure to derail your career as epically as when Joel Schumacher took over the Batman franchise. "Good night, sweet prince. And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest."