Thursday, June 12, 2014

Time For The Landry Jones Era To Begin; The Devil Went Down To...

by Jayden Matthews

Now that the Pittsburgh Steelers have signed most of their draft picks and have also now signed center Maurkice Pouncey to an extension, they're faced with a bit of a dilemma. That being the getting of their franchise QB Ben Roethlisberger extended. 

With the contracts for quarterbacks skyrocketing here lately at a fierce pace, should the Steelers pay big money to Big Ben in order to keep him? I say...no.

If Big Ben wants to play hardball and demand all that money that Colin Kaepernick, Joe Flacco, Matt Ryan and others have gotten, then let Big Ben ride the big bench and ring in the Landry Jones era. 

Many thought the Steelers wasted a draft pick on selecting Landry Jones, but I say it's time to see what this kid's got. Why not just throw him in the fire and see if the barbecue smokes?

Move over bacon, there's somethin' meatier!

If Ben wants to be overpaid like the rest of these guys, show him who the boss is!

I mean, it isn’t like that last season Ben really did anything to help the Steelers. He had a horrendous start where he himself had nine of the team's 20 turnovers before the bye. Sure, he ended with a QB Rating of 92.0, 28 touchdown passes, 4,261 passing yards and a completion percentage of 64.2%, but he had nowhere to go but UP! 

Plus, who in tarnation who wants a QB who plays every snap, sets records for completions in a season (375) and had a 2-to-1 touchdown-to-interception ratio while becoming the franchise's career leader in TD passes (219)? Why would we pay this guy??? Let him be a Divo!

Even if he did lead his team to three Super Bowls while winning two of them, that still doesn’t warrant a big contract, does it? 

If I've got a guy like Landry Jones on the bench that could potentially step right in and take over, why wouldn't I use him? I mean, we are in rebuild mode anyway. So why not? 

When Landry was at Oklahoma, he accounted for...well, he threw for...uh, he won...well, he did a lot! This guy really brings something to the table! He could be the next Bobby Douglas or Craig Morton for all we know, so we have to give him a shot!

Why are we even thinking about giving Big Ben an extension when we have this guy on the roster already and have him for the next three years?  

Let's not even bother getting a deal done fo...oh, forget it. I can't do this anymore... My eyes hurt from reading this hogwash. To everyone that made it this far without busting their computer and cussing us to no end, enough with the foolishness. 

Anyone who thought for one second that If It Ain’t Steel would actually entertain the thought of sitting our beloved Big Ben for one snap, unless it was due to injury, for Landry Jones must be so dumb that if you went bobbin' in a barrel of boobs, you'd still come up suckin' your thumb. This obvious SATIRE!

Y'all know we have to do this every once in a while to keep you on your toes. By the way, we said his whole name, Landry Jones, each time because they will have the only times you'll hear it all season. ;-)

~

"THE DEVIL WENT DOWN TO...PITTSBURGH"

The devil went down to Pittsburgh, he was lookin' for a soul to steal. 
He was in a bind 'cause he was way behind. He was willing to make a deal
When he came across this young scribe writin' down her latest thoughts
And the Devil sidled up next to her and said "Girl, let me tell you what."

"I guess you didn't know it, but I'm a writer, too.
And if you'd care to take a dare I'll make a bet with you.
Now you write a pretty good blog, girl, but give the Devil his due.
I'll bet a Mont Blanc of gold against your soul 'cause I think I'm better than you."

The scribe said, "My name's Jayden, and it might be a sin,
But I'll take your bet; and you're gonna regret 'cause I'm the best there's ever been."

The Devil opened up his case and he said, "I'll start this off."
And fire flew from his fingertips as he brushed his shoulders off.
And he started crackin' his knuckles and flexin' his wrists.
And a band of demons joined in and it sounded something like this.

"As I reported earlier...I'm the devil incarnate,
To overload with meaningless stats, I stay up late,
No sleep do I need, just Xanex and weed, 
And on a coffee IV will I feed. 
In eight short bars I'll prove I'm the best, no reason
To question. I'm all you need all through football season. 
I'm the best, and if you ever challenge me, bright eyes, 
I'll stomp and scream and claim you plagiarize."

When the Devil finished, Jayden said, "You ain't even pretty good ol' son,
So just sit down in that chair right there and let me show you how it's done."

"I'm a lyrical miracle, you can call me the pinnacle
Proper breathing is critical, take a breath and now here I go! 
I could fly the TARDIS like The Doctor all through time
And never find anything weaker than that so-called rhyme.
Battling you, son, ain't even worth the hassle
When ya think your filet mignon but ya ain't even White Castle.  
Now lemme put it so you understand - I'm LeGarrette Blount: I rumble!
You're Rashard Mendenhall...fumble.

...now, retire."

The Devil bowed his head because he knew that he'd been beat.
And he laid that gold Mont Blanc on the ground at Jayden's feet.
Jayden said, "Devil, just come on back if you ever wanna try again,
I done told you once—you son of a bitch—I'm the best that's ever been."

And she played:

"Fire on the Mountain." Run, boys, run!
The Devil's in the house of the rising sun;
The chicken's in the bread pan picking out dough.
Granny, will your dog bite? No, child, no."
...
original lyrics by Charlie Daniels

This wasn't *ahem* about anyone. It was purely *cough* a fictitious event. Any representation of resemblance of anyone, dead, alive or who subsists on Xanex and coffee, is purely coincidental.